Lindeman's Bin 85 Pinot Grigio

Origin: South Eastern Australia
Price: GIFT, probably the usual $10 - $12 according to the internet.
Vintage: 2011
Date drunk: April 17th, 2012

 

d.: Damn.

g.: This is going to be a boring review. It's better when I hate stuff. I even chugged a bit to see if I could muster hate, but it's just not in me. I could probably be funny if I kept that up, but it seems like a lot of effort.

d.: It's like the beach. Not like the bad parts of beach, like those little sand hopping insects that you can't see until it's too late. Or like dudes driving dune buggies or getting cut under your fingernail by dune grass when you untie your shoes.

g.: I've had wine that tastes like having to pee on the beach in the dark, and that shit sucks.

d.: This, though, is like bonfires and waking up in a tent hearing the waves just outside the door. This is piping plovers running along the shore. [ED. NOTE: RHYMING]

g.: Oh I got it, it's like that extra Oland's you forgot you hid in the sand and you can probably use to barter for toilet paper.

BUT THE WINE:

It's good. It tastes like a bouquet of flowers mixed with some sugar, which could be good boiled in hot water like tea, but this is better because... alcohol. It's pretty and fruity but not over the top. It's subtle and serious, which you might not expect me to like, but I'm secretly into that kind of thing. Verdict: decent, drinkable, makes me boring.

Strewn - Gewürztraminer

Origin: Ontario

Price: $12.95

Vintage: 2009

Date drunk: March 16th, 2012

g.: Smells like pepper.

d.: There's that little prickliness.

g.: Isn't this wine made out of cacti or something? Or have I been misled by that one brand with a picture of a cactus on the label? That seems plausible. Okay, I took a sip and my mouth unhinged like a snake. I heard it click.

*Second sip* It's reaaalllyyyyy dryyyyy.

d.: The taste has the same prickliness as the smell. It's like drinking cactus. If there were like a really cool not lethally poisonous snake, but a little bit poisonous snake, and it was turned into wine, it would probably taste like this.

g.: So is that related to how I almost got lockjaw back there? I bet it is.

d.: It wasn't on purpose, so it must be.

g.: Okay, real talk: it's kind of spicy and I'm always into that, but it's drryyyyy. Like the "extra dry" 1.5L bottle of Sawmill Creek wine I bought by accident that time and actually physically COULD NOT DRINK. That is the only time that's happened. It was that bad, and I've had more horrific bottles of wine than anyone could ever imagine. So the moral of this story is, I will drink grape juice and sugar fermented in a dollar store tupperware container... as long as it isn't too dry.

No offense, Strewn Gewürztraminer.

Seaglass - Riesling

Origin: California

Price: $13.95

Vintage: 2010

Date drunk: March 3rd, 2012

g.: I tried to smell this and got wine on my face. How does that even happen?

*Second smell* I made a sound I can't even spell. I think it was "hrrrnnnnn." Despite this, the ocean theme makes me really hope I like it. Everyone loves sea glass, right? What ocean-adjacent kid didn't spend time collecting the broken remnants of beach parties? So, full disclosure, we bought this because of the name, and because of the 20 other wines we turned down due to their condescending marketing targeted at women ("ge-wurtz-whaaaat? I like to shop!"), or their lame slogans. Tough crowd.

*SIP* Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it tastes like if you put the Gulf of St. Lawrence inside a swimming pool full of dogs.

Also it went up my nose. This is not going well.

d.: *sips* Oh, that's difficult.

g.: Well put.

d.: It's sweet like the candy you find in the backseat of your parents' Lada the day after the Pictou Lobster Carnival.

g.: It's like a candy corn on your closet floor 5 months after Halloween. In a pool full of dogs. And a dumptruck full of sugar. I think I'm seriously damaging my pancreas.

d.: Who would put their sugar in a dumptruck?

g.: Just about everyone.

[I could barely read my own handwriting on that one. To recap:

- TOO SWEET

- OWWWW]

Cupcake - Chardonnay

I'd just like to say that we had to go to another liquor store to get our cheap selections this time, because we drank all the wine at our neighbourhood store. All the wine that didn't have laser-printer clip-art labels affixed with a glue gun.

Origin: California

Price: $14.95

Vintage: 2010

Date drunk: March 3rd, 2012

g.: So this wine is apparently made in a place called Livermore, US. I think this is misleading, at best, in terms of my bodily health. Anyway, this better taste like fucking cupcakes.

*sniffs* I'm going to be disappointed.

*sips* OH. It tastes like it should come from an apple juice can.

d.: It has a full kind of taste. I wouldn't say round; it's more like a rectangular prism that has rounded edges.

g.: That's how I liked to design websites in 2002. Okay, so the name of this wine is completely messing up my ability to describe it as anything other than dessert. I taste.... icing. What the shit is wrong with my brain.

d.: Fermented grape icing.

g.: *horrified* Cool, I'm gonna go barf up the actual cupcake I ate today, which tastes exactly zero like this wine. Zero. Not cupcakes.

d.: Maybe you've just been eating the wrong cupcakes.

g.: No, I've been eating the not disgusting cupcakes..... who the fuck am I kidding, I would eat any cupcake with booze in it. Next week I actually for real have a plan to eat a rum and coke flavoured one so I can complete a cupcake shop stamp card. I don't mess around. Okay, let me try this tasting thing again. Let's get back to basics:

- It's good.

- I don't want to pour it out the window.

- I don't make weird involuntary sounds when I take a sip.

- It actually kind of smells like juice.

- SUCCESS.

Verdict: Yeah this is actually really good, if you want to be fancy and have a whole $15 to spend. A wise investment.

[ED. NOTE: Obviously I knew the wine wouldn't taste like cupcakes. I just like being difficult.]

Fielding Estate Winery - White Conception (Blend)

Origin: Ontario

Price: $18.95

Vintage: 2009

Date drunk: February 2, 2012

d.: d.'s going all bougie.

g.: This smells exactly like nothing. Entirely contary to the commentary in our last post.

AND IT TASTES LIKE HEAVEN. I taste nuts and butter. There's a tiny hint of flowers but it mostly tastes like lightly buttered bread. It's so delicate. I want to serve this on a little porcelain tea tray covered in tiny birds.

d.: This is what happens when you pretend you can afford expensive wines.

g.: We don't really have much else to say. It's hard to talk about wines when they don't taste like sharks.

d.: I think this goes with your buttery taste, but it's so rich it's almost creamy. Whoever would have thought a white wine would be creamy? Why not just drink butter?

g.: Could we... mix... wine and butter? Or... buttermilk? What would happen... chemistry-wise?

d.: I feel like vomit.

g.: I feel like experiments.

[Ed. note: This did not happen. We are not dead. Or scientists. Everything is fine. But if anyone wants to try that out, feel free to report back.]

Palatine Hills Estate - 1812 Chardonnay

Origin: Ontario

Price: $12.20

Vintage: 2008

Date drunk: February 2, 2012

d.: It smells jaunty.

g.: Jaunty like a stroll in a garbage dump.

d.: Maybe, but you still have a cane and a monocle.

g.: Okay, so it tastes fine. I think evidence on this blog will show that I apparently hate the smell of every wine ever.

d.: If I had to go with a shape for this taste, I think I'd go with oval. Because it's not super round, but it's not flat.

g.: I have no idea what this tastes like. Fruit? Lemons? Flowers from the battlefield at York? Let's hope so. It's good. A little sweet, kind of sour, but dry. Like the bones of the dead, etc. I'm really reaching for the war theme here. I want to like this wine because today I touched a musket that was used in the war of 1812. I deserve to like this wine.

d.: It's got a bite like a sabre.

g.: It's warm like the radiant heat from the explosion of a munitions depot. There. It's seriously warm though. We're impatient.

d.: It goes down smooth like powder down the barrel of a musket.

g.: Damn, guy.

Hillebrand Artist Series - Gewürztraminer

Origin: Ontario

Price: $11.48

Vintage: 2010

Date drunk: December 9th, 2011

g.: *smells* Oh jesus.

d.: I don't know what you mean.

g.: REALLY.

d.: It smells kind of soapy. Like a lovely fruit soap.

g.: I'm sure we've talked about this on here before. I don't want to drink shiny little fruit soaps. They don't belong inside me.

d.: What about matte fruit soaps. Because this smells more matte than shiny to me.

g.: ... I'm going to try it now.

Oh man. That's actually really good. It's dainty. It's a tiny wine wearing finery with small hand-stitching and lace gloves. I see where you're going with the soap thing, but it's a positive element. It's kind of sour and subtley tangy.

d.: It's got a NICE CLEAN FINISH.

g.: WOW. You win. Okay, I'm going to see if the description on the bottle holds up:

- Aromas of tropical fruit? Check.

- Soft and easy drinking? Check.

- Great with light meats? We're eating bagels, we didn't follow the instructions.

d.: I like this. It has a rich warmth, kind of like some fruit teas. It tastes nostalgic. Can things taste nostalgic?

g.: Yessss.... that's what's I call Jack Daniel's and cigarettes.

Okay, on subsequent sips I coughed a bit. Just being honest here. It's good but I'm growing a bit weary. I think I can look past this because there's art on the bottle, and that is a brilliant idea. I'm going to start my own wine label and it will be the MS PAINT ARTISTS WHO ARE DRUNK SERIES, and this will be the first submission, 2011 "White" from "Canada, various, maybe my backyard grapes" with an "easy palate if you mix it with 7UP":

Arboleda - Chardonnay

Oh hi? It's been... awhile. Honestly, we don't drink that much (wine) anymore, so we've been absent mainly for lack of material. I've recently developed the urge to frantically type gibberish on the internet again, so here we are, a little bit tipsy and full of the obnoxious blogging spirit.

One caveat I should mention: I think I might have lost my finely honed ability to distinguish between what is actually gross and what is gross on purpose. This is an important skill to have when tasting questionable wine. Is the taste of leaves and rocks ("minerals") intentional or did someone just not give a shit because they're making $8 wine? We'll see how this goes, everyone.

[also see two old but new reviews posted today 1, 2]

Origin: Chile

Price: $13,40

Vintage: 2008

Date drunk: December 4th, 2011

g.: I think this smells like buttered toast. I read the label on the back before smelling it, though, and it said "toasted notes" so maybe it's just confirmation bias.

*sips* WHAT THE HELL

d.: It tastes kind of like a sweaty, rusty acoustic guitar string, but better.

g.: ^*horrified* I'm not sure what it is, but I swear to god it DOES taste toasted. All the way toast. It's like warm, crunchy bread with butter topped with various flavours of jelly beans. It sounds disgusting but... no, I would probably eat that.

d.: I would stand around and watch that happen, which is basically the same as drinking it.

g.: I wish I could drink things by visual osmosis. So, d., do you like this?

d.: I think my first comment sums up my feelings nicely, so yes, I do. It has a finish that's harsh but in a way that's good.

g.: Yeah, I actually like it too. I'll reiterate that it has a really lovely warm flavour; it's like... eating toast. I don't even know how else to describe it. Buttery and kind of... fatty. Like shortbread cookies. Oh man, shortbread. Am I hungry? Probably. We're eating croutons but that's not the same THING.

d.: But it's pretty similar because it's bread and it's crunchy and it's sort of buttery.

g.: Oh my god. Croutons are just toast. I can't believe that just happened.

Oh, I can also taste the toffee mentioned on the back label. Imagine, a wine description was actually accurate.

d.: It's like someone rubbed a sweaty, rusty acoustic guitar string with a piece of toffee.

g.: Man you stick to your guns.

d.: I'm like one of those dogs, with the biting and the not letting go. *makes jaws with hands*

g.: g. and d., ferociously reviewing since 2009.

Lighthouse (Pelee Island) - Riesling

Origin: Ontario

Price: $10.95

Vintage: 2009

Date drunk: February 26th, 2011

g.: It smells like fresh cut grass. When I was a kid I used to put grass and leaves in a bowl and tell my brothers it was salad. Which is hilarious, but I don't want to be the one to eat it. It's delightful but ominous.

d.: And it tastes ominous but delightful.

g.: *kksghffsgh* Hang on. OK. It almost tastes carbonated. It feels all bubbly and furry on my tongue. Oh my god.

d.: Speaking of furry, when I smell it now, it totally has an undercurrent of pee-soaked cat litter.

g.: I'm sorry Pelee Island. I think we both agree it actually tastes good. It's really pleasant. It's sweet and warm, not too sour, and interesting. Interesting is good.

d.: It has more going on than the last one. There's more to take in. There's a flavour that hits my left cheek, and a flavour that hits my right cheek, and it tingles on that spot where my wisdom tooth has rubbed my cheek raw, and it tastes really good.

g.: I burped, and it tasted like a combination of grape fizzee [ed. note: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS, it was also underlined] and grape fun dip. Powder. Together. Forever. A++++ WOULD DRINK AGAIN GREAT SELLER HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Life is Good - Chardonnay (Unoaked)

Origin: Ontario

Price: $12.90

Vintage: 2008

Date drunk: February 26th, 2011

d.: It doesn't smell very boozey, it smells stuff-y. And not stuffy like some old rich dude's study, but stuffy as in full of stuff.

g.: I'm going to go with.. it smells like nothing. Mostly air, maybe glass. Maybe I'm broken.

d.: No, I'm just trying too hard.

g.: *sip* [whispers] Oh.

d.: It's kind of tingly.

g.: This is unoaked, and yet again, I'm unsure about the ramifications of this. I guess I don't taste any trees?

d.: And man, trees are the best part of the taste.

g.: Are you sure about that? I've done shots of gin, and I'm pretty sure drinking forest isn't something I should be into.

d.: It's pretty decent, but it's kind of a one trick pony. It's really smooth and simple.

g.: I still think there's something weird about Chardonnays that don't sit in wood. They taste wrong and I can't even figure it out. This one is kind of sour and tart and... slimy. That's damn gross. I'm still drinking it though. That's something.

d.: It's because it lacks that oaken nobility. I find it pretty easy to drink.

g.: Slime, man. I've seen slime. It was in a dumpster at McDonalds.

d.: But it totally goes down smooth and slick.

g.: Oh christ. I gotta go.

Banrock Station - unwooded Chardonnay

Origin: Australia
Price: $12.95 (1L)
Vintage: 2009
Date drunk: April 17th, 2010

d.: It's not bad... whoa! It had a delayed shudder-making effect on me.

g.: I don't even know what to say. I'm at the point where we've had so many different wines that I don't even know what's going on anymore. What does a Chardonnay taste like? I don't know? Really. I do know, however, that unoaked or unwooded things usually taste kind of "big" or oily or something. This doesn't have much of that, but there's something slightly different about it.

d.: It tastes green. It's very fresh, and almost not quite ripe tasting.

g.: That's exactly it. There's a little undertone of "raw" to it or something, and it's almost kind of... soapy. Like cilantro can be. It's not a negative thing, though. I'd say that for an unoaked wine, this is super subtle. Not like that box of Naked Grape we got over Christmas...

d.: It has a very mouth-filling taste. It kind of soaks into your tongue and gets all friendly-like with your taste buds.

g.: What's our verdict?

d.: I think it's decent.

g.: Yeah, I'm feeling it. I might get this again. I mean... it's a litre carton, so those are some automatic points right there. Thumbs up, I suppose.

XOXO - Pinot Grigio/Chardonnay

Origin: Canada
Price: $9.95
Vintage: n/a
Date drunk: April 1st, 2010

g.: Ooh, it smells like... fruit.

d.: *sip* .... inoffensive. It's kind of bland and ho hum.

g.: But this is kind of dangerous because I think I could just mindlessly drink this really quickly without even noticing. I like that kind of wine sometimes. Good bet for an easy drink. Also for when you have a 30 page paper due in a week.
SIP SIP SIP SIP GONE

d.: It's a reasonably tasty wine, but it doesn't elicit any real Reaction.

g.: I don't want Reaction when I'm crying into my glass. I want Efficient.

KWV - Chenin Blanc

Origin: South Africa
Price: $7.95
Vintage: 2009
Date drunk: April 1st, 2010

g.: It tastes like warm. No, it tastes like wood.

d.: Warm wood?

g.: It's really acidic. When I smelled it I thought it smelled like vinegar--this seemed to be accurate. It's not necessarily bad, just kind of rough. On the esophagus.

d.: It's pretty mellow. If one could call something so acidic mellow in any reasonable capacity. Not that my capaciousness is all that reasonable.

g.: CAPACIOUSNESS. We have a wicked vocabulary for a couple of drunks.

d.: And sometimes we even use it correctly.


[POST-SCRIPT: Upon typing this up, we became unsure if we were even drinking the same wine here. Consider us... unreliable narrators.]

Copper Moon - Moonlight Harvest - Pinot Grigio

Origin: "Canada"
Price: $9.45
Vintage: n/a
Date drunk: March 12th, 2010

d.: It's not bad. It's kind of lifeless.

g.: There's not really much to it.

d.: It's a pleasant enough flavour.

g.: It kind of smells like barns, but it tastes like a really mild, if slightly acidic, plain white wine. I can't even say if this actually tastes like a Pinot Grigio or not. It's really cheap (we got this on sale for $7.95), so I'd say this isn't a bad deal.

d.: It's a simple straightforward wine--a work horse of a wine.

g.: If this were on sale again and I only had $7.95, I would totally get this. It's way better than some of the junk I used to buy as a barely employed undergrad.

Pierre Sparr - Gewürztraminer

Origin: France
Price: $16.50
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: March 12th, 2010

g.: *sip* I'm a little worried.

d.: ah uhh umm. oh my. [unintelligible].

g.: It's really sour. It almost tastes like it's gone bad. which yes, I know, is the point of wine to begin with. But this is more like... grape yogurt in the back of the fridge, long forgotten.

d.: I think it tastes like they accidentally used decorative soap grapes instead of real ones.

g.: Those exist. I think my mom probably had some. Okay, overall it isn't bad. I think some of the underlying flavours are really nice, but there's that hint of sour/soapy that's really throwing me off. I have the feeling this particular characteristic is something I'm actually supposed to appreciate, but maybe it's an acquired taste. Like... bar soap.

d.: Bar soap is pretty tasty. Jergens is best. This wine, I think there's too much going on in the taste. And it's not necessarily complementary stuff.

g.: I don't know what you mean. I heartily enjoy a combo of rotten yogurt gummy worms and Jergens. Okay, that was too mean. This is definitely not that horrifying. I'm just... concerned.

d.: It seems to be getting better with subsequent sips. The harsher notes are softening.

g.: This means we have to drink it all right now as fast as we can, while it's still good. Go go go.

... meanwhile, d. is finished and I am halfway through my first glass. Aaaand I still taste soap. The time is not right.

d.: The time is always right for a soap wine party!

g.: Conclusion: we've done FAR worse (see: Marqués de Riscal), but we've also done better and for cheaper. This wine is probably not bad, we just don't like the elements of... whatever it is. Buy at your own risk, etc.