D'Aquino - Pinot Grigio

Origin: Italy
Price: $28.95 (1.5L)
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: December 11th, 2009

OH MAN.

g.: Most magnificent purchase of 2009. Right before the deadline. IN FACT, maybe most magnificent purchase of THIS DECADE. I went there.

d.: It tastes bad, but it's like a bad taste that I want to keep drinking.

g.: This is called something in psychology, when you are more likely to convince yourself that something mediocre or annoying is actually awesome, because you paid a lot of money for it. I don't remember though, because I often pretend I don't also have a psych degree.

Getting back on track, I think I may have to take that best purchase award back. 1.5L of this shit, man. 1.5 LITRES.

d.: The bottle's still worth $30, though. Now I don't want to say it tastes good, because I'm just psychling. It's acridly strong, or strongly acrid, but once my mouth is coated in it, the taste isn't as bad. It's even enjoyable.

g.: EW. Coated.

d.: Like peptobismol does to your stomach lining but with wine and less pink.

g.: This is backwards. Peptobismol is the next step, not the first one.

d.: I don't know. I think I can kind of get behind it. Even if it is just my brain telling me I like it because it's expensive.

g.: It just doesn't taste like a Pinot Grigio to me. I feel kind of betrayed.

d.: It's like some sort of fraud.

Moselland Ars Vitis - Rielsing

Origin: Germany
Price: $9.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: December 4th, 2009

d.: Granny Smith.

g.: This is the kind of apple juice I totally would have wanted as a kid. Sweet and unhealthy. And full of booze I guess.

d.: I enjoy this Riesling.

g.: This is the most uninteresting review ever. I have nothing to say other than this wine usually comes in a cat-shaped bottle near Christmas time, and I kind of feel like it tastes better when in cat form. Not that it isn't good now. But I appreciate the home decor addition even more.

d.: It's a good winter wine. It makes me think of hearth and warmth (in terms of both inviting and 'cause fire) and outside is all cold and snowy and the wind is howling, but it's all cozy inside and warm in the belly 'cause wine and fire and fun.

g.: Christmas yule log TV channel.

d.: I like yule log.

g.: This is so enlightening.

d.: We are the enlightenment. HIGH FIVE.

g.: ... I don't want to high five the Enlightenment.

20 Bees - Riesling

Origin: Ontario
Price: $9.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: November 7th, 2009

d.: Smells like grandmothers and tastes like parties.

g.: I would argue that it also TASTES like grandmothers. It's very pretty and floral and... comforting. It's delicate but kind of sour and bad-ass. I like this a LOT. It's sweet, like the other wine tonight, but a bit less so, and much more subtle over-all.

d.: Let me just say: never tasted grandmothers.

g.: My imagination goes EVERYWHERE I guess. Wait, that's horrifying.

d.: I'd guess grandmothers would taste more chalk-like. But yes, it is a tasty wine.

g.: Big fan, right here.

d.: The flavour is very round and full. To continue your analogies, it's like if your grandmother were a ball. Like a really fun ball that you play games with and throw in the air and gaze, rapt, as it falls back to the ground and then you name it Steve.

g.: I think WE HAVE TO GO NOW.

PS - A review of our lessons so far: Wines that are SPHERES or BALLS are good wines.

Hillebrand - Artist Series - Riesling

Origin: Ontario
Price: $11.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: November 7th, 2009

d.: It clears out my sinuses.

g.: That's what happens when you smell chili sauce... or gasoline.

d.: The taste is a lot less offensive than the smell.

g.: It's really sweet.

d.: It's very full and round. Taste spheres.

g.: I love when we start talking about shapes. It's really sweet and crisp.

d.: Like some apples.

g.: I've only had a few sips so far, so I'm not really able to provide a fair review yet. I mean, how can I answer questions like: will I still like this on the second glass, or will I start to get the shakes from the sugar?

d.: The shakes? I think you need to see a doctor. Forget about wine.

g.: I can take care of myself, man. I just drink a lot of water to balance out my blood. That's Science, right? Anyway, I'd probably bake this shit in a pie. It's really dessert-y. I'd like to eat this after a classy meal. In a crust.

d.: I don't know how dessert-y this is. It's not like desserts I generally champion.

g.: Well, I mean, I don't usually champion putting sour gummies inside a pie crust, but I'd totally eat it.

d:. So would I.

g.: Success. I guess we'd recommend this, with a $3.99 Pillsbury pastry crust.

Maison Louis Latour - Chardonnay

Origin: France
Price: $15.95
Vintage: 2007
Date drunk: October 31st, 2009

g.: It smells like wood--kind of like fresh cut hardwood of some sort--and tastes like bitter grape popsicles. Actually, kind of like popsicles made out of champagne that went flat. Does that make sense? I think it does. If I let it sit in my mouth for too long, it's kind of gross, but if I just let it slip down my throat it tastes full and fruity. That sentence seemed kind of scandalous.

d.: This wine tastes like the feeling of buying lots of Halloween treats and then having no kids come trick or treat.

g.: I think you may be confusing this wine with... now.

d.: It's called an analogy or a simile or some sort of fucking rhetorical device.

g.: I think it's called "disappointment."

d.: That's what I was trying to say, but more poetically.

g.: You're good.

Malivoire - Chardonnay

Origin: Ontario
Price: $19.95 (WHOA)
Vintage: 2007
Date drunk: October 31st, 2009

g.: OKAY, first of all, there's a ladybug on it. I don't really know what that means, but my heart tells me that it's good. It is, however, an insect. Oh shit.

d.: But it's red with black polka dots.

g.: Coincidentally, the ladybug and I were wearing the same outfit tonight. Should I be appalled or flattered?

d.: It's very sharp and strong.

g.: It is, but then it goes down very smoothly. The strength and sharpness are more a quality of its flavour, rather than something about the quality of the wine itself. Whatever makes cheap wine shitty is missing from this. I think that's the OH FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE RUBBING ALCOHOL effect.

d.: It tastes like autumn. And not like the autumn of wet leaf stains on sidewalks, but the autumn of walking through the woods and walking on dry crunchy leaves. Crisp autumn, as opposed to soggy autumn.

g.: Or as I like to say, CRISPY AUTUMN. nom nom.

d.: Autumn is not a potato chip.

g.: My answer could either be a) Autumn can be whatever I WANT IT TO BE, or b) The whole world is a potato chip. I feel like the latter is more practical.

CONCLUSION: This wine is potato chips. Best review ever.

Château des Charmes - Chardonnay

Origin: Ontario
Price: $13.95
Vintage: 2007
Date drunk: October 2nd, 2009

g.: It's very warm and toasty. I should be drinking this by a Christmasy fire in a fireplace. Or a campfire on a beach while I have sand in my underwear. Whatever.

d.: It's kind of skunky.

g.: Yeah, I feel that on the second sip.

d.: But if the skunk lived in the land of milk and honey. It's ambrosially gross.

g.: That's not where I thought you were going with that.

d.: It's like good and gross at the same time.

g.: I can drink this, for sure, but it's kind of mediocre. Kind of standard, I guess. There's nothing really special about it, besides how I apparently want to burn things while drinking it.

d.: I think that basically that's the definition of Chardonnay for us. It's like, we'll drink it because it's wine, but we don't necessarily actually, honestly enjoy it. Sure there are elements in it that we're alright with, but looking at it big picturefully, the elements are at the start of the periodic table. They're like hydrogen or some shit. Can't go wrong with Science.

Barefoot - Sauvignon Blanc

Origin: California
Price: $9.95
Vintage: n/a
Date drunk: October 2nd, 2009

g.: The flavour is really great; it's super appley and overall fruity-like. The acidity... or sort of weird crispy-ness is rubbing me the wrong way. I think that's why I've been avoiding Sauv Blancs, maybe.

d.: I like it. It's a nice spherical taste, but with little spikes of sour on the sphere. It's like if a little kid's drawing of the sun were rendered in three dimensions.

g.: It's like if I crumpled up and ate a little kid's drawing and choked on it a little, but then didn't mind too much because the taste was pretty nice.

Open - Riesling + Gewürztraminer

Origin: Ontario
Price: $11.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: September 18th, 2009

d.: Oh my god, this wine's weak.

g.: *smells it and starts to cry*

d.: It smells like candy. Soapy candy.

g.: Okay, it's not bad. It's really sweet--it tastes like... wine, if wine were a hard candy you got after a meal in a mid-priced diner.

d.: It does something weird to my mouth. It turns my mouth upside down and then makes my tongue fall.

g.: It makes my tongue fuzzy. I generally like wine with a bit of sweetness, but this might be a bit too much. Luckily, the flavours are really nice. It's fruity. I think.

d.: It's a tasty wine. We kind of scored tonight. (also)

Malivoire - "white" - Chardonnay, Riesling, Gewürztraminer

Origin: Ontario
Price: $14.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: September 18th, 2009

d.: The smell is nice and appley, but the taste isn't like super green appley wine (it's more like April Wine). But there's definitely apple in the taste.

g.: So we didn't chill this nearly enough, because it's already 9pm and we're impatient. I pretty much automatically hate any wine that's GROSS WARM, but with this one I don't even CARE.

d.: I like this wine at this temperature. It's like if you ended up in Hell and you discovered it was just a nice sunny vacation destination.

g.: Malivoire: Like Hell, but if Hell Didn't Suck. I think this marketing strategy could work. To be clear, though, this is pretty nice. I can't even pick out anything bad about it. There's no element in the taste that's a little off or weird. $15 well spent, really.

Kittling Ridge - Seyval Blanc

Origin: Ontario
Price: $8.95 (ON SALE)
Vintage: 2007
Date drunk: September 5th, 2009

d.: It's a very woody taste--it's almost coniferous in its woodiness.

g.: There's something very oily about it. It's a really thick and... full-mouthed taste. Is that "full bodied"? Either way, I feel like I just did a shot of canola oil. How long did they let this shit steep in wood barrels? A million years? Am I going to get a disease?

I guess it's been a really long time since we had a straight Seyval Blanc. We had them long before we started reviewing wine, and at the time I thought it was super smooth and easy to drink. I can see how it's SMOOTH and how it might be a nice thing to mix with something else, but DAMN. I can't even explain what it is, but its like there's something MISSING from this wine. Some important element that makes wine taste normal. This is like alternate universe wine (MIRROR UNIVERSE WINE).

d.: It's definitely not the same as the other two Seyval Blanc wines we had from the Maritimes. Probably because there's a healthy dose of smog involved in the creation of these grapes. There's not much to it. I guess for $9.00 you can't really complain (but we will anyway). It's like if Lucy Maud had written Anne of Green Gables and left out Matthew and Marilla.

g.: Wow.

Ogio - Pinot Grigio

Hi, we're back. I just want to reiterate that we don't actually know anything about wine. We just want to let you know if you're going to end up pouring that cheap wine you bought down the sink. Answer: THAT IS PRETTY DUMB. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

Origin: Italy
Price: $8.85
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: August 29th, 2009

g.: I took a sniff and my neck cracked. Ominous.

d.: It's inoffensive. Much more so than the smell. It starts out pretty watery.

g.: For a cheap bottle, it's actually pretty interesting. It isn't flat or bitter like some cheap and crappy Pinot Grigios. It sort of reminds me of dessert. Maybe pie. A fruit pie. I don't even like fruit pie, but I hear it's supposed to be comforting or something.

d.: I think it's one of those less common wines that seems to get worse with each sip.

g.: I refuse to drink rotting fruit pie.

(This turned out to be pretty iffy.)