Hillebrand Artist Series - Gewürztraminer

Origin: Ontario

Price: $11.48

Vintage: 2010

Date drunk: December 9th, 2011

g.: *smells* Oh jesus.

d.: I don't know what you mean.

g.: REALLY.

d.: It smells kind of soapy. Like a lovely fruit soap.

g.: I'm sure we've talked about this on here before. I don't want to drink shiny little fruit soaps. They don't belong inside me.

d.: What about matte fruit soaps. Because this smells more matte than shiny to me.

g.: ... I'm going to try it now.

Oh man. That's actually really good. It's dainty. It's a tiny wine wearing finery with small hand-stitching and lace gloves. I see where you're going with the soap thing, but it's a positive element. It's kind of sour and subtley tangy.

d.: It's got a NICE CLEAN FINISH.

g.: WOW. You win. Okay, I'm going to see if the description on the bottle holds up:

- Aromas of tropical fruit? Check.

- Soft and easy drinking? Check.

- Great with light meats? We're eating bagels, we didn't follow the instructions.

d.: I like this. It has a rich warmth, kind of like some fruit teas. It tastes nostalgic. Can things taste nostalgic?

g.: Yessss.... that's what's I call Jack Daniel's and cigarettes.

Okay, on subsequent sips I coughed a bit. Just being honest here. It's good but I'm growing a bit weary. I think I can look past this because there's art on the bottle, and that is a brilliant idea. I'm going to start my own wine label and it will be the MS PAINT ARTISTS WHO ARE DRUNK SERIES, and this will be the first submission, 2011 "White" from "Canada, various, maybe my backyard grapes" with an "easy palate if you mix it with 7UP":

Arboleda - Chardonnay

Oh hi? It's been... awhile. Honestly, we don't drink that much (wine) anymore, so we've been absent mainly for lack of material. I've recently developed the urge to frantically type gibberish on the internet again, so here we are, a little bit tipsy and full of the obnoxious blogging spirit.

One caveat I should mention: I think I might have lost my finely honed ability to distinguish between what is actually gross and what is gross on purpose. This is an important skill to have when tasting questionable wine. Is the taste of leaves and rocks ("minerals") intentional or did someone just not give a shit because they're making $8 wine? We'll see how this goes, everyone.

[also see two old but new reviews posted today 1, 2]

Origin: Chile

Price: $13,40

Vintage: 2008

Date drunk: December 4th, 2011

g.: I think this smells like buttered toast. I read the label on the back before smelling it, though, and it said "toasted notes" so maybe it's just confirmation bias.

*sips* WHAT THE HELL

d.: It tastes kind of like a sweaty, rusty acoustic guitar string, but better.

g.: ^*horrified* I'm not sure what it is, but I swear to god it DOES taste toasted. All the way toast. It's like warm, crunchy bread with butter topped with various flavours of jelly beans. It sounds disgusting but... no, I would probably eat that.

d.: I would stand around and watch that happen, which is basically the same as drinking it.

g.: I wish I could drink things by visual osmosis. So, d., do you like this?

d.: I think my first comment sums up my feelings nicely, so yes, I do. It has a finish that's harsh but in a way that's good.

g.: Yeah, I actually like it too. I'll reiterate that it has a really lovely warm flavour; it's like... eating toast. I don't even know how else to describe it. Buttery and kind of... fatty. Like shortbread cookies. Oh man, shortbread. Am I hungry? Probably. We're eating croutons but that's not the same THING.

d.: But it's pretty similar because it's bread and it's crunchy and it's sort of buttery.

g.: Oh my god. Croutons are just toast. I can't believe that just happened.

Oh, I can also taste the toffee mentioned on the back label. Imagine, a wine description was actually accurate.

d.: It's like someone rubbed a sweaty, rusty acoustic guitar string with a piece of toffee.

g.: Man you stick to your guns.

d.: I'm like one of those dogs, with the biting and the not letting go. *makes jaws with hands*

g.: g. and d., ferociously reviewing since 2009.

Lighthouse (Pelee Island) - Riesling

Origin: Ontario

Price: $10.95

Vintage: 2009

Date drunk: February 26th, 2011

g.: It smells like fresh cut grass. When I was a kid I used to put grass and leaves in a bowl and tell my brothers it was salad. Which is hilarious, but I don't want to be the one to eat it. It's delightful but ominous.

d.: And it tastes ominous but delightful.

g.: *kksghffsgh* Hang on. OK. It almost tastes carbonated. It feels all bubbly and furry on my tongue. Oh my god.

d.: Speaking of furry, when I smell it now, it totally has an undercurrent of pee-soaked cat litter.

g.: I'm sorry Pelee Island. I think we both agree it actually tastes good. It's really pleasant. It's sweet and warm, not too sour, and interesting. Interesting is good.

d.: It has more going on than the last one. There's more to take in. There's a flavour that hits my left cheek, and a flavour that hits my right cheek, and it tingles on that spot where my wisdom tooth has rubbed my cheek raw, and it tastes really good.

g.: I burped, and it tasted like a combination of grape fizzee [ed. note: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS, it was also underlined] and grape fun dip. Powder. Together. Forever. A++++ WOULD DRINK AGAIN GREAT SELLER HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Life is Good - Chardonnay (Unoaked)

Origin: Ontario

Price: $12.90

Vintage: 2008

Date drunk: February 26th, 2011

d.: It doesn't smell very boozey, it smells stuff-y. And not stuffy like some old rich dude's study, but stuffy as in full of stuff.

g.: I'm going to go with.. it smells like nothing. Mostly air, maybe glass. Maybe I'm broken.

d.: No, I'm just trying too hard.

g.: *sip* [whispers] Oh.

d.: It's kind of tingly.

g.: This is unoaked, and yet again, I'm unsure about the ramifications of this. I guess I don't taste any trees?

d.: And man, trees are the best part of the taste.

g.: Are you sure about that? I've done shots of gin, and I'm pretty sure drinking forest isn't something I should be into.

d.: It's pretty decent, but it's kind of a one trick pony. It's really smooth and simple.

g.: I still think there's something weird about Chardonnays that don't sit in wood. They taste wrong and I can't even figure it out. This one is kind of sour and tart and... slimy. That's damn gross. I'm still drinking it though. That's something.

d.: It's because it lacks that oaken nobility. I find it pretty easy to drink.

g.: Slime, man. I've seen slime. It was in a dumpster at McDonalds.

d.: But it totally goes down smooth and slick.

g.: Oh christ. I gotta go.

Banrock Station - unwooded Chardonnay

Origin: Australia
Price: $12.95 (1L)
Vintage: 2009
Date drunk: April 17th, 2010

d.: It's not bad... whoa! It had a delayed shudder-making effect on me.

g.: I don't even know what to say. I'm at the point where we've had so many different wines that I don't even know what's going on anymore. What does a Chardonnay taste like? I don't know? Really. I do know, however, that unoaked or unwooded things usually taste kind of "big" or oily or something. This doesn't have much of that, but there's something slightly different about it.

d.: It tastes green. It's very fresh, and almost not quite ripe tasting.

g.: That's exactly it. There's a little undertone of "raw" to it or something, and it's almost kind of... soapy. Like cilantro can be. It's not a negative thing, though. I'd say that for an unoaked wine, this is super subtle. Not like that box of Naked Grape we got over Christmas...

d.: It has a very mouth-filling taste. It kind of soaks into your tongue and gets all friendly-like with your taste buds.

g.: What's our verdict?

d.: I think it's decent.

g.: Yeah, I'm feeling it. I might get this again. I mean... it's a litre carton, so those are some automatic points right there. Thumbs up, I suppose.

XOXO - Pinot Grigio/Chardonnay

Origin: Canada
Price: $9.95
Vintage: n/a
Date drunk: April 1st, 2010

g.: Ooh, it smells like... fruit.

d.: *sip* .... inoffensive. It's kind of bland and ho hum.

g.: But this is kind of dangerous because I think I could just mindlessly drink this really quickly without even noticing. I like that kind of wine sometimes. Good bet for an easy drink. Also for when you have a 30 page paper due in a week.
SIP SIP SIP SIP GONE

d.: It's a reasonably tasty wine, but it doesn't elicit any real Reaction.

g.: I don't want Reaction when I'm crying into my glass. I want Efficient.

KWV - Chenin Blanc

Origin: South Africa
Price: $7.95
Vintage: 2009
Date drunk: April 1st, 2010

g.: It tastes like warm. No, it tastes like wood.

d.: Warm wood?

g.: It's really acidic. When I smelled it I thought it smelled like vinegar--this seemed to be accurate. It's not necessarily bad, just kind of rough. On the esophagus.

d.: It's pretty mellow. If one could call something so acidic mellow in any reasonable capacity. Not that my capaciousness is all that reasonable.

g.: CAPACIOUSNESS. We have a wicked vocabulary for a couple of drunks.

d.: And sometimes we even use it correctly.


[POST-SCRIPT: Upon typing this up, we became unsure if we were even drinking the same wine here. Consider us... unreliable narrators.]

Copper Moon - Moonlight Harvest - Pinot Grigio

Origin: "Canada"
Price: $9.45
Vintage: n/a
Date drunk: March 12th, 2010

d.: It's not bad. It's kind of lifeless.

g.: There's not really much to it.

d.: It's a pleasant enough flavour.

g.: It kind of smells like barns, but it tastes like a really mild, if slightly acidic, plain white wine. I can't even say if this actually tastes like a Pinot Grigio or not. It's really cheap (we got this on sale for $7.95), so I'd say this isn't a bad deal.

d.: It's a simple straightforward wine--a work horse of a wine.

g.: If this were on sale again and I only had $7.95, I would totally get this. It's way better than some of the junk I used to buy as a barely employed undergrad.

Pierre Sparr - Gewürztraminer

Origin: France
Price: $16.50
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: March 12th, 2010

g.: *sip* I'm a little worried.

d.: ah uhh umm. oh my. [unintelligible].

g.: It's really sour. It almost tastes like it's gone bad. which yes, I know, is the point of wine to begin with. But this is more like... grape yogurt in the back of the fridge, long forgotten.

d.: I think it tastes like they accidentally used decorative soap grapes instead of real ones.

g.: Those exist. I think my mom probably had some. Okay, overall it isn't bad. I think some of the underlying flavours are really nice, but there's that hint of sour/soapy that's really throwing me off. I have the feeling this particular characteristic is something I'm actually supposed to appreciate, but maybe it's an acquired taste. Like... bar soap.

d.: Bar soap is pretty tasty. Jergens is best. This wine, I think there's too much going on in the taste. And it's not necessarily complementary stuff.

g.: I don't know what you mean. I heartily enjoy a combo of rotten yogurt gummy worms and Jergens. Okay, that was too mean. This is definitely not that horrifying. I'm just... concerned.

d.: It seems to be getting better with subsequent sips. The harsher notes are softening.

g.: This means we have to drink it all right now as fast as we can, while it's still good. Go go go.

... meanwhile, d. is finished and I am halfway through my first glass. Aaaand I still taste soap. The time is not right.

d.: The time is always right for a soap wine party!

g.: Conclusion: we've done FAR worse (see: Marqués de Riscal), but we've also done better and for cheaper. This wine is probably not bad, we just don't like the elements of... whatever it is. Buy at your own risk, etc.

Marqués de Riscal - Rueda

Origin: Spain
Price: $12.25
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: February 18th, 2010

d.: *HORRIFIED FACE*

g.: Oh my god, it smells like a garbage can.

d.: It smells like a garbage can lined with a rotten meat bag.

g.: WHAT HAVE WE DONE.

d.: It can't taste any worse than it smells, at least.

g.: This is seriously the worst smelling beverage I have ever encountered. It smells like a litter box.

d.: It's like the worst smelling thing I've ever encountered (and I've buried rotten skunk roadkill).

g.: I don't even want to try it. I'm worried someone in Spain has poisoned this bottle out of random malice like the Tylenol tampering in the 1980s. I don't want to die from a $13 bottle of wine. That's a shitty story.

d.: We're brave. We deserve medals.

g.: I just smelled it again. It smells like Victoria Park swimming pool in August. AND THAT IS AWFUL.

It tastes like a fish tank that hasn't been cleaned in five years. Maybe that's somebody's bag--I don't know. But it's not mine.

Angel's Gate - Gewürztraminer

Origin: Ontario
Price: $13.95
Vintage: 2007
Date drunk: February 18th, 2010

d.: It tastes like water at first.

g.: The first sip was a little rough, but the second was really magical. It tastes like flowers and cayenne pepper, if that makes any sense. And fairy dust, probably. Either way, it's going to take a hell of a wine to get me through Star Trek V.

d.: I think this might be a hell of a wine. It has a warm comforting blannng to it. Not a bad blannng, like so many others, but a good blannng.

g.: If only it were about.... 40% stronger. Then I feel Shatner's directorial efforts would seem much more magnificent. HOWEVER, this is really good. I'm a fan. It's a well-balanced Gewürztraminer, as far as I can tell. Just enough spicy and sweet to make all the floral flavours stand out. Why do I like drinking flowers so much? Because I do.

d.: A time when all you could drink was perfume?

g.: There's alcohol in that, right? Then probably.

D'Aquino - Pinot Grigio

Origin: Italy
Price: $28.95 (1.5L)
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: December 11th, 2009

OH MAN.

g.: Most magnificent purchase of 2009. Right before the deadline. IN FACT, maybe most magnificent purchase of THIS DECADE. I went there.

d.: It tastes bad, but it's like a bad taste that I want to keep drinking.

g.: This is called something in psychology, when you are more likely to convince yourself that something mediocre or annoying is actually awesome, because you paid a lot of money for it. I don't remember though, because I often pretend I don't also have a psych degree.

Getting back on track, I think I may have to take that best purchase award back. 1.5L of this shit, man. 1.5 LITRES.

d.: The bottle's still worth $30, though. Now I don't want to say it tastes good, because I'm just psychling. It's acridly strong, or strongly acrid, but once my mouth is coated in it, the taste isn't as bad. It's even enjoyable.

g.: EW. Coated.

d.: Like peptobismol does to your stomach lining but with wine and less pink.

g.: This is backwards. Peptobismol is the next step, not the first one.

d.: I don't know. I think I can kind of get behind it. Even if it is just my brain telling me I like it because it's expensive.

g.: It just doesn't taste like a Pinot Grigio to me. I feel kind of betrayed.

d.: It's like some sort of fraud.

Moselland Ars Vitis - Rielsing

Origin: Germany
Price: $9.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: December 4th, 2009

d.: Granny Smith.

g.: This is the kind of apple juice I totally would have wanted as a kid. Sweet and unhealthy. And full of booze I guess.

d.: I enjoy this Riesling.

g.: This is the most uninteresting review ever. I have nothing to say other than this wine usually comes in a cat-shaped bottle near Christmas time, and I kind of feel like it tastes better when in cat form. Not that it isn't good now. But I appreciate the home decor addition even more.

d.: It's a good winter wine. It makes me think of hearth and warmth (in terms of both inviting and 'cause fire) and outside is all cold and snowy and the wind is howling, but it's all cozy inside and warm in the belly 'cause wine and fire and fun.

g.: Christmas yule log TV channel.

d.: I like yule log.

g.: This is so enlightening.

d.: We are the enlightenment. HIGH FIVE.

g.: ... I don't want to high five the Enlightenment.

20 Bees - Riesling

Origin: Ontario
Price: $9.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: November 7th, 2009

d.: Smells like grandmothers and tastes like parties.

g.: I would argue that it also TASTES like grandmothers. It's very pretty and floral and... comforting. It's delicate but kind of sour and bad-ass. I like this a LOT. It's sweet, like the other wine tonight, but a bit less so, and much more subtle over-all.

d.: Let me just say: never tasted grandmothers.

g.: My imagination goes EVERYWHERE I guess. Wait, that's horrifying.

d.: I'd guess grandmothers would taste more chalk-like. But yes, it is a tasty wine.

g.: Big fan, right here.

d.: The flavour is very round and full. To continue your analogies, it's like if your grandmother were a ball. Like a really fun ball that you play games with and throw in the air and gaze, rapt, as it falls back to the ground and then you name it Steve.

g.: I think WE HAVE TO GO NOW.

PS - A review of our lessons so far: Wines that are SPHERES or BALLS are good wines.

Hillebrand - Artist Series - Riesling

Origin: Ontario
Price: $11.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: November 7th, 2009

d.: It clears out my sinuses.

g.: That's what happens when you smell chili sauce... or gasoline.

d.: The taste is a lot less offensive than the smell.

g.: It's really sweet.

d.: It's very full and round. Taste spheres.

g.: I love when we start talking about shapes. It's really sweet and crisp.

d.: Like some apples.

g.: I've only had a few sips so far, so I'm not really able to provide a fair review yet. I mean, how can I answer questions like: will I still like this on the second glass, or will I start to get the shakes from the sugar?

d.: The shakes? I think you need to see a doctor. Forget about wine.

g.: I can take care of myself, man. I just drink a lot of water to balance out my blood. That's Science, right? Anyway, I'd probably bake this shit in a pie. It's really dessert-y. I'd like to eat this after a classy meal. In a crust.

d.: I don't know how dessert-y this is. It's not like desserts I generally champion.

g.: Well, I mean, I don't usually champion putting sour gummies inside a pie crust, but I'd totally eat it.

d:. So would I.

g.: Success. I guess we'd recommend this, with a $3.99 Pillsbury pastry crust.