Strewn - Gewürztraminer

Origin: Ontario

Price: $12.95

Vintage: 2009

Date drunk: March 16th, 2012

g.: Smells like pepper.

d.: There's that little prickliness.

g.: Isn't this wine made out of cacti or something? Or have I been misled by that one brand with a picture of a cactus on the label? That seems plausible. Okay, I took a sip and my mouth unhinged like a snake. I heard it click.

*Second sip* It's reaaalllyyyyy dryyyyy.

d.: The taste has the same prickliness as the smell. It's like drinking cactus. If there were like a really cool not lethally poisonous snake, but a little bit poisonous snake, and it was turned into wine, it would probably taste like this.

g.: So is that related to how I almost got lockjaw back there? I bet it is.

d.: It wasn't on purpose, so it must be.

g.: Okay, real talk: it's kind of spicy and I'm always into that, but it's drryyyyy. Like the "extra dry" 1.5L bottle of Sawmill Creek wine I bought by accident that time and actually physically COULD NOT DRINK. That is the only time that's happened. It was that bad, and I've had more horrific bottles of wine than anyone could ever imagine. So the moral of this story is, I will drink grape juice and sugar fermented in a dollar store tupperware container... as long as it isn't too dry.

No offense, Strewn Gewürztraminer.

Seaglass - Riesling

Origin: California

Price: $13.95

Vintage: 2010

Date drunk: March 3rd, 2012

g.: I tried to smell this and got wine on my face. How does that even happen?

*Second smell* I made a sound I can't even spell. I think it was "hrrrnnnnn." Despite this, the ocean theme makes me really hope I like it. Everyone loves sea glass, right? What ocean-adjacent kid didn't spend time collecting the broken remnants of beach parties? So, full disclosure, we bought this because of the name, and because of the 20 other wines we turned down due to their condescending marketing targeted at women ("ge-wurtz-whaaaat? I like to shop!"), or their lame slogans. Tough crowd.

*SIP* Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it tastes like if you put the Gulf of St. Lawrence inside a swimming pool full of dogs.

Also it went up my nose. This is not going well.

d.: *sips* Oh, that's difficult.

g.: Well put.

d.: It's sweet like the candy you find in the backseat of your parents' Lada the day after the Pictou Lobster Carnival.

g.: It's like a candy corn on your closet floor 5 months after Halloween. In a pool full of dogs. And a dumptruck full of sugar. I think I'm seriously damaging my pancreas.

d.: Who would put their sugar in a dumptruck?

g.: Just about everyone.

[I could barely read my own handwriting on that one. To recap:

- TOO SWEET

- OWWWW]

Cupcake - Chardonnay

I'd just like to say that we had to go to another liquor store to get our cheap selections this time, because we drank all the wine at our neighbourhood store. All the wine that didn't have laser-printer clip-art labels affixed with a glue gun.

Origin: California

Price: $14.95

Vintage: 2010

Date drunk: March 3rd, 2012

g.: So this wine is apparently made in a place called Livermore, US. I think this is misleading, at best, in terms of my bodily health. Anyway, this better taste like fucking cupcakes.

*sniffs* I'm going to be disappointed.

*sips* OH. It tastes like it should come from an apple juice can.

d.: It has a full kind of taste. I wouldn't say round; it's more like a rectangular prism that has rounded edges.

g.: That's how I liked to design websites in 2002. Okay, so the name of this wine is completely messing up my ability to describe it as anything other than dessert. I taste.... icing. What the shit is wrong with my brain.

d.: Fermented grape icing.

g.: *horrified* Cool, I'm gonna go barf up the actual cupcake I ate today, which tastes exactly zero like this wine. Zero. Not cupcakes.

d.: Maybe you've just been eating the wrong cupcakes.

g.: No, I've been eating the not disgusting cupcakes..... who the fuck am I kidding, I would eat any cupcake with booze in it. Next week I actually for real have a plan to eat a rum and coke flavoured one so I can complete a cupcake shop stamp card. I don't mess around. Okay, let me try this tasting thing again. Let's get back to basics:

- It's good.

- I don't want to pour it out the window.

- I don't make weird involuntary sounds when I take a sip.

- It actually kind of smells like juice.

- SUCCESS.

Verdict: Yeah this is actually really good, if you want to be fancy and have a whole $15 to spend. A wise investment.

[ED. NOTE: Obviously I knew the wine wouldn't taste like cupcakes. I just like being difficult.]