Hillebrand Artist Series - Gewürztraminer

Origin: Ontario

Price: $11.48

Vintage: 2010

Date drunk: December 9th, 2011

g.: *smells* Oh jesus.

d.: I don't know what you mean.

g.: REALLY.

d.: It smells kind of soapy. Like a lovely fruit soap.

g.: I'm sure we've talked about this on here before. I don't want to drink shiny little fruit soaps. They don't belong inside me.

d.: What about matte fruit soaps. Because this smells more matte than shiny to me.

g.: ... I'm going to try it now.

Oh man. That's actually really good. It's dainty. It's a tiny wine wearing finery with small hand-stitching and lace gloves. I see where you're going with the soap thing, but it's a positive element. It's kind of sour and subtley tangy.

d.: It's got a NICE CLEAN FINISH.

g.: WOW. You win. Okay, I'm going to see if the description on the bottle holds up:

- Aromas of tropical fruit? Check.

- Soft and easy drinking? Check.

- Great with light meats? We're eating bagels, we didn't follow the instructions.

d.: I like this. It has a rich warmth, kind of like some fruit teas. It tastes nostalgic. Can things taste nostalgic?

g.: Yessss.... that's what's I call Jack Daniel's and cigarettes.

Okay, on subsequent sips I coughed a bit. Just being honest here. It's good but I'm growing a bit weary. I think I can look past this because there's art on the bottle, and that is a brilliant idea. I'm going to start my own wine label and it will be the MS PAINT ARTISTS WHO ARE DRUNK SERIES, and this will be the first submission, 2011 "White" from "Canada, various, maybe my backyard grapes" with an "easy palate if you mix it with 7UP":

Arboleda - Chardonnay

Oh hi? It's been... awhile. Honestly, we don't drink that much (wine) anymore, so we've been absent mainly for lack of material. I've recently developed the urge to frantically type gibberish on the internet again, so here we are, a little bit tipsy and full of the obnoxious blogging spirit.

One caveat I should mention: I think I might have lost my finely honed ability to distinguish between what is actually gross and what is gross on purpose. This is an important skill to have when tasting questionable wine. Is the taste of leaves and rocks ("minerals") intentional or did someone just not give a shit because they're making $8 wine? We'll see how this goes, everyone.

[also see two old but new reviews posted today 1, 2]

Origin: Chile

Price: $13,40

Vintage: 2008

Date drunk: December 4th, 2011

g.: I think this smells like buttered toast. I read the label on the back before smelling it, though, and it said "toasted notes" so maybe it's just confirmation bias.

*sips* WHAT THE HELL

d.: It tastes kind of like a sweaty, rusty acoustic guitar string, but better.

g.: ^*horrified* I'm not sure what it is, but I swear to god it DOES taste toasted. All the way toast. It's like warm, crunchy bread with butter topped with various flavours of jelly beans. It sounds disgusting but... no, I would probably eat that.

d.: I would stand around and watch that happen, which is basically the same as drinking it.

g.: I wish I could drink things by visual osmosis. So, d., do you like this?

d.: I think my first comment sums up my feelings nicely, so yes, I do. It has a finish that's harsh but in a way that's good.

g.: Yeah, I actually like it too. I'll reiterate that it has a really lovely warm flavour; it's like... eating toast. I don't even know how else to describe it. Buttery and kind of... fatty. Like shortbread cookies. Oh man, shortbread. Am I hungry? Probably. We're eating croutons but that's not the same THING.

d.: But it's pretty similar because it's bread and it's crunchy and it's sort of buttery.

g.: Oh my god. Croutons are just toast. I can't believe that just happened.

Oh, I can also taste the toffee mentioned on the back label. Imagine, a wine description was actually accurate.

d.: It's like someone rubbed a sweaty, rusty acoustic guitar string with a piece of toffee.

g.: Man you stick to your guns.

d.: I'm like one of those dogs, with the biting and the not letting go. *makes jaws with hands*

g.: g. and d., ferociously reviewing since 2009.

Lighthouse (Pelee Island) - Riesling

Origin: Ontario

Price: $10.95

Vintage: 2009

Date drunk: February 26th, 2011

g.: It smells like fresh cut grass. When I was a kid I used to put grass and leaves in a bowl and tell my brothers it was salad. Which is hilarious, but I don't want to be the one to eat it. It's delightful but ominous.

d.: And it tastes ominous but delightful.

g.: *kksghffsgh* Hang on. OK. It almost tastes carbonated. It feels all bubbly and furry on my tongue. Oh my god.

d.: Speaking of furry, when I smell it now, it totally has an undercurrent of pee-soaked cat litter.

g.: I'm sorry Pelee Island. I think we both agree it actually tastes good. It's really pleasant. It's sweet and warm, not too sour, and interesting. Interesting is good.

d.: It has more going on than the last one. There's more to take in. There's a flavour that hits my left cheek, and a flavour that hits my right cheek, and it tingles on that spot where my wisdom tooth has rubbed my cheek raw, and it tastes really good.

g.: I burped, and it tasted like a combination of grape fizzee [ed. note: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS, it was also underlined] and grape fun dip. Powder. Together. Forever. A++++ WOULD DRINK AGAIN GREAT SELLER HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Life is Good - Chardonnay (Unoaked)

Origin: Ontario

Price: $12.90

Vintage: 2008

Date drunk: February 26th, 2011

d.: It doesn't smell very boozey, it smells stuff-y. And not stuffy like some old rich dude's study, but stuffy as in full of stuff.

g.: I'm going to go with.. it smells like nothing. Mostly air, maybe glass. Maybe I'm broken.

d.: No, I'm just trying too hard.

g.: *sip* [whispers] Oh.

d.: It's kind of tingly.

g.: This is unoaked, and yet again, I'm unsure about the ramifications of this. I guess I don't taste any trees?

d.: And man, trees are the best part of the taste.

g.: Are you sure about that? I've done shots of gin, and I'm pretty sure drinking forest isn't something I should be into.

d.: It's pretty decent, but it's kind of a one trick pony. It's really smooth and simple.

g.: I still think there's something weird about Chardonnays that don't sit in wood. They taste wrong and I can't even figure it out. This one is kind of sour and tart and... slimy. That's damn gross. I'm still drinking it though. That's something.

d.: It's because it lacks that oaken nobility. I find it pretty easy to drink.

g.: Slime, man. I've seen slime. It was in a dumpster at McDonalds.

d.: But it totally goes down smooth and slick.

g.: Oh christ. I gotta go.