Monkey Bay - Pinot Grigio

Origin: New Zealand
Price: $14.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: August 8th, 2009

g.: *ffshcffcchhfck* It smells like cement.

d.: It's one of those tastes that leaves a dryness in your mouth. Like drinking cottonballs.

g.: Like cottonballs dipped in acid.

d.: Acidballs.

g.: I hate those kinds of parties.

d.: It's one of those shudder-inducing swallow-times.

g.: It's flavourful and citrusy, but it's just way too dry for me.

d.: It starts out really tasty, up until the swallow-time, and it all goes downhill from there. And not just because it's going down inside me. It gets all ACID BLITZKRIEG.

g.: Yeah, not a fan. What is it with $14 bottles of wine? They mostly suck. Give me a bottle of $9.95 Pelee Island or Barefoot any day. Like d. has said before, it's like $14 is the really low end of the mid-priced wine (instead of the high end of cheap wine), and it shows.

I feel like, as a poor-ish student loan case with a penchant for living slightly above my means when it comes to beverages, I've been preyed upon by these wine companies. Thanks a lot, guys. I might as well be drinking Hochtaler. Now there's some bang for your buck.

Barefoot - White Zinfandel

Origin: California
Price: $9.95
Vintage: n/a
Date drunk: August 8th, 2009

d.: It's very sweet.

g.: It tastes like juice. I feel like this should have bubbles in it. It's so light and pink and tasty. Honestly, I think 75% of my enjoyment of this comes from the wine colour and the bubblegum pink packaging. Good work, Barefoot.

d.: It tastes very berry-like. I like berries.

g.: Yeah! And like I've said before, I think that all this time I've been confusing Rosé with White Zinfandel and constantly buying a bunch of weird pink crap I don't like that much. I don't know what the difference is, but this particular one is much sweeter and fruitier. So far, the Barefoot brand has been a big winner. Previously. And Previouslier.

Ciao - Pinot Grigio

Origin: Italy
Price: $12.65
Vintage: n/a
Date drunk: August 7th, 2009

g.: *sip* ... Heyyyyy.

d.: This is really good. It's clear and light and refreshing.

g.: It's really crispy.

d.: Like a chip? Like burnt toast?

g.: Like curly fries. It's more fruity than floral (for a Pinot Grigio), but it's nice. There's a lot of stuff going on under a mild layer of acidity (in a good way). I give this a serious thumbs up. Just as good as its Chardonnay cousin.

d.: It's a nice, fresh, bright, tasty wine.

g.: It's so inoffensive I barely realise I'm drinking it. DANGEROUS.


PS - We're boring when we actually like a wine.

Wolf Blass - Yellow Label - Chardonnay

Origin: South Australia
Price: $13.45
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: July 27th, 2009

g.: *LONG DRAWN OUT SOUND OF DISGUST*

d.: Well, it's a Chardonnay.

g.: Do I even LIKE Chardonnay? I was pretty convinced that I did, but looking back, my reaction to them is usually horror. I think I had heartburn four seconds after that first sip. It's so YELLOW. Like dehydrated pee.

d.: It smells like cheap gross chocolates. Like Halloween ones you find at Zellers in March. There might be some element of mallow in there too.

g.: My favourites: expired chocolate marshmallow candies from Zellers. Or Lawtons in Sherwood. The best part is when they get marked down to 5 cents because nobody fucking likes that shit. EXCEPT FOR ME. MALLOW GHOSTS 4EVER.

d.: *horrified sounds* Chocolate robed mallow is an insult to chocolate everywhere.

g.: You're just saying that because they let me get under their robes.

d.: I'm crushed.

g.: I'm full of mallow treats.

d.: I wish I had a robe of chocolate.

g.: We are not going there.

d.: This wine tastes like DUSTY AIR*

g.: It tastes like a puddle that some small animal peed in.

d.: It's not undrinkable, it's just not good.

g.: And that's really the whole point of this blog. Would I buy this again? NO. Can I drink it? Sort of. Verdict: Don't buy this, but drink it if it's free. SURE, WHY NOT.

*This was intended to turn the conversation back to wine, but there's a nugget of truth in that statement.

Henry of Pelham - Sibling Rivalry (Riesling/Chardonnay/Gewürztraminer mix)

Origin: Ontario
Price: $13.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: July 27th, 2009

d.: It smells like a wine party. It tastes like a wine party.

g.: Is this going to be a situation like when you drink wine, whiskey, rum, vodka, and a mystery cooler someone hands you at a party because IT TASTES LIKE PINEAPPLE, MAN, and you wake up the next morning wishing you were a better booze decision-maker and you cry a little? Because I was always taught that mixing is bad.

d.: Mixing is only bad when it's done in rusted rain barrels. This, on the other hand, was mixed in oaken casts or some shit.

g.: Oaken? Is oaken a real word?

d.: Hell yes, all the words I say are real words.

g.: I think this mostly tastes like Gewürztraminer. It's such a distinct-tasting wine that it overpowers the other two. This isn't necessarily a bad thing; I guess it's just more of a mellow Gewürztraminer, which I can definitely dig.

d.: I like the sharpness of it. It's like you're eating a lolly, and the lolly stick is a knife.

g.: I feel like you've used this analogy before. Also, lolly? What country is this? 1930?

d.: Just FYI, 1930 is a planet. Not a country.

g.: ...aaaand we've been watching too much Star Trek.

d.: I like it. The wine, too. It has a robust sweetness that isn't too sweet, and is kind of sour.

g.: It might not be for everyone, because of the Gewürztraminer, but I'm going to give it my vote.

Pelee Island - Blanc de Blanc (Vidal/Riesling mix)

Origin: Ontario
Price: $9.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: June 26th, 2009

d.: It's a smooth tingly yum.

g.: It made me make a bad sound.

d.: It always makes you make a bad sound.

g.: That's what... she said? Yes. It's very acidic. Kind of citrusy, but maybe without the citrus flavour. This is going to give me some serious heartburn. I know the Vidal/Seyval Blanc mix wasn't like that, so maybe the Riesling is the heartburn factor here?

d.: It's brightly acidic.

g.: I agree. If this were music, it would be high-pitched.

d.: And probably happy. Man, I hate that in music.

g.: It would probably have heartburn. I'm not really sold on this. I can drink it, but might not get this again until they bring back the Seyval Blanc mix. What happened, Pelee Island? Where did your Seyval grapes go?

d.: If you let it linger in your mouth, it turns against you, like a nice drinking puddle that goes stagnant and becomes a breeding ground for mosquitoes.

g.: Man, I can't take you anywhere.

Tiny Hiatus

We're sorry for being absentee wine guides. Really. We're in the middle of moving to a new apartment, and despite feeling the need to drink every single day for a month, we haven't had the heart to write anything pithy about said drinks.

We do, however, have three new wines ready to post when we get the chance. I don't think any of them even talk about meat. Expect updates shortly.

La Puerta - Shiraz

Origin: Argentina
Price: $9.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: June 12th, 2009

The smell is good. Very thick and heavy with the slightest hint of cloves. I think it's also the darkest red wine I've ever encountered and become acquainted with. I'm still sniffing; I think I'm sort of frightened—getting to the point of taking the plunge with red wine is worse than diving into cold water. Not really, though. I'm just trying to add—you know—some nice writerly touches. 'Cause I'm a writer, right? Or something like that. I think it's more likely that I was luxuriating in the richness of the aroma. Like when I walk past a house which has a dryer running on a cold winter night. I love that smell. But it's not the same sort of reaction, I suppose. Luxuriation still happens, though. I'm all about smell-luxuriation. BUT! Enough with the preamble, d.; get to THE WINE!

It tastes like I just licked wood. Probably a plank of some sort. Of indeterminate length.¹ Perhaps, as its name suggests, a door (thus, generally, providing a limit to the length of the aforementioned plank [unless, of course, we're in a house that happens to be of leaves]).

Subsequent sips bring out flavours other than wood, which is a nice touch. I appreciate it, anyway. Flavours such as smoked fruit. Perhaps the elusive door-fruit? Perhaps, d., perhaps. Or, maybe you should get with it, and just say it's sort of cherry-like. Or some bitter, acidic fruit. But it also involves an insinuation of cocoa. Which obviously fits in with that whole bitter thing it has going on. This wine would be really good with some 70% or 85% Lindt dark chocolate. Or any other really good, really dark chocolate. On a side note, I want to try Lindt's dark chocolate bar with red chili in it.² But: BACK TO WINE 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE HERE FOR, d.!

TO WRAP UP!:

It's strong, but not unpleasantly so; it's sharp, it's pungent, it's rich; it's really tasty and warms up my insides as only things that are good know how to do. I am a fan of this.

It's hearty and earthy and I want more!





____________________________
¹ Minds out of the gutters, folks!

² If you've tried this, please let me know what you think.

Yellow Tail - Rosé

Origin: Australia
Price: $10.95
Vintage: 2008
Date Drunk: June 12th, 2009

Yet another installment of d. Drinks a Red and I Drink a White(ish) Because Red Wine Makes Me Hurl.

Look, I don't even like red wine. I don't know why I keep buying this Rosé crap all the time. This one, in particular, is really red. Too red. I prefer my cheap white/red mixes to be all light and pink and airy and fruity. Christ, maybe I just like wine coolers. Is that so wrong?

A: YES

So, this'll probably be a short one:

First sip: *SHUDDER*

Second sip: Okay, okay. I taste some sort of fruit in there--maybe raspberries or strawberries.

Third sip: I guess I can taste the vanilla. Some kind of comforting dessert-y type flavour, anyway.

There's actually quite a bit going on in this wine for a $11 bottle of Yellow Tail. Despite it's weird bitter mouth-shrinking redness, it's kind of interesting. After a few more sips, it all comes together really nicely, and I have stopped being a hater. I'll drink this with only minor complaints--mostly having to do with always choosing crap I'm predisposed to hating.

(PLUS: 13.5% alcohol. GOOD JOB.)

Lamberti - Pinot Grigio blush

Origin: Italy
Price: $11.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: May 30th, 2009

g.: It tastes exactly how it looks.*

d.: It's almost coppery.

* and this wine looks AMAZING. It's a light pinkish orange.

d.: It looks and tastes very autumnal.

g.: I've never had a rose Pinot Grigio before, and I have to say that this venture is a GREAT SUCCESS. The friendly and knowledgeable cashier at the LCBO was really into this, and said that he often "sits on the web with a bottle, and all of a sudden it's 3AM." That is a serious seal of approval.

d.: It's like drinking juice, it's so clear and smooth.

g.: It's super balanced; not too sweet, not too bitter or acidic. It's so pretty and refreshing and unassuming that I just want to give it a big hug and a warm meal and be its friend forever. I think I would also like a sweater in this colour. Could I dye a white one with wine? I would like to FIND OUT.

Pelee Island - Blanc de Blanc (Vidal/Seyval Blanc mix)

Origin: Ontario
Price: $8.95
Vintage: 2007
Date drunk: May 23rd, 2009

g.: So... it tastes like wine.

d.: It's a very light wine. There's no flavour at the start, and then a little BALOOP of flavour, and then clear. And when the Baloop happens, it's pretty tasty.

g.: I have previously said that this blog was going to be about telling you whether or not a wine is actually drinkable or not. Well, this wine is definitely drinkable. This is a safe bet. We've had two other Seyval Blanc before, both from the Maritimes, and they were smooth, delicious, and pretty much my ULTIMATE WINE. This Seyval Blanc is not quite as good, but it's still an awesome type of wine.

d.: It's a very clear, refreshing wine; there's no harsh after-taste. There's no cringe-inducing swallow-taste. It's a good wine. I'd take it home to meet my mother.

Loios - Alentejano

Origin: Portugal
Price: $9.95
Vintage: 2008
Date drunk: May 23rd, 2009

g.: Oh fucking shit.

d.: While it's not the greatest of wines, I don't know if my reaction is quite so forceful. It's really apple-y. The wine, that is; not my reaction.

g.: *another sip* ... no, I'm still going with "oh fucking shit."

d.: Say you have some sort of hybrid of an apple and gross meat. It smells sort of hammy, so we'll go with ham as the gross meat. Now imagine biting into that apple, not knowing it was hybridised with this gross ham-meat. That is what caused g's reaction (maybe).

g.: No, I think it's because it tastes like grapes and knives, together.

d.: It has a refreshing molar effect, though.

g.: What DOES THAT MEAN.

d.: It feels neat on the molars and wisdom teeth when I let it sit in the back of my mouth.

g.: I don't think there's any chance of me letting it sit in my mouth for long enough to corroborate your claim.

d.: That's what she said.

g.: I'm getting a shot glass.

d.: If you do, I will.

g.: Dear anyone reading this blog: if we don't post next week, I'm probably in the hospital. [UPDATE: I'M NOT IN THE HOSPITAL, DON'T CALL THE POLICE]

d.: Oh, though I can taste the grapes, I have yet to taste the knives.

g.: You're going to want to watch out for that. They'll cut you when you least expect it. Okay, I just took another sip, and it's actually not that awful.

d.: The quality of meatness in the flavour seems to diminish the closer to the bottom of the glass I get.

g.: We probably have at least a 2:1 wine to meat ratio on this blog right about now. The only thing we can come up with to describe wine is pork or ham, and we're fucking vegetarians.

d.: I actually liked this when I took the last sip from the glass. It has a strong (though not necessarily wine-like) flavour that is not altogether unappealing.

g.: NOTE: d. has finished his glass. I have had approximately three sips.

Pierre Sparr Extrēm - Riesling

Origin: France
Price: $14.95
Vintage: 2007
Date drunk: May 15th, 2009

d.: The smell is vomitising, yet the taste.... is magical. It's really smooth and mellow.

g.: I think it tastes like grass, but this is a good thing, absolutely. It's refreshing. Really delicious.

d.: It seems like a pretty acidic wine.

g.: I agree--the acidity gives it a weird sharpness at the beginning, but it becomes this glorious explosion of flavours in your mouth. The after-taste is pretty amazing. It lingers and it is actually welcome to do so.

d.: It's a wine taste that comes in, crashes on the tooth couch, and hangs out for awhile.

g.: I could really imagine drinking this on a porch on a bright sunny day.

d.: It's really readily drinkable; it's sippable, slurpable, and chuggable.

g.: I feel bad for rejecting this wine at the store every weekend because the label described it as "dry"--it's a bit dry, but the flavours balance it out.

Fazi Battaglia - Verdicchio

Origin: Italy
Price: $10.95
Vintage: 2007
Date drunk: May 15th, 2009

g.: I taste turpentine. It's not bad, though. Does this mean I can now successfully drink turpentine? Please say yes.

d.: Coming out of this beer imposed retirement, I'm having difficulties. It has a watery commencement. And one damn BLANG of a terminus. It's more bitter than sour, I find, the taste-finish that is.

g.: We bought this for the bottle and the mini-scroll that came with it, honestly. We are doing the world (i.e. our home decor) a service by draining this bottle and using it in an appropriate manner. This might mean sticking a dead flower in it.

d.: The scroll has a map on it. That's worth at least $10 of the admission price. It's a really nice map. It has embossing, and gold leaf.

g.: I agree.

d.: It's not a very good wine, let's be honest.

g.: I really don't even know. It might be great and my plebe taste-buds aren't sophisticated enough to know it. I LIVE A SHELTERED LIFE, tucked away from wines that have many syllables and turpentine after-tastes.

d.: Turpentine is definitely a sign of high class wine.

g.: You should write a book and name it that.

d.: I find that the harshness of it diminishes. It's not a bad wine; it's just not great.

Fat Bastard - Chardonnay

Origin: France
Price: $14.95
Date drunk: April 25th, 2009

g.: It's really crisp and lemony.

d.: It's very smooth and clear. It has a nice smoky whisper, at the swallow-moment.

g.: So like bacon. Bacon wine. Or hickory-stick wine. Or wine on fire. Can we try wine on fire?* I can't think of much to say about this, because I started drinking it early by accident, and I ruined my first-sip analysis. Goddamn.

* Wine on fire with a shot of whiskey dropped in it.

d.: It's a good chardonnay. It starts clear, moves through a square of sour, and finishes clear. It's like a circle. A circle of clarity.

g.: I don't know anything about wine shapes. I need to upgrade to Wine Geometry 101. I feel like this might taste like a rhombus, though. Or a decahedron. Probably a decahedron. Or bacon.**

** d. does not want to give the wrong impression. He stresses that the wine is actually good. It is. It's true.

(g.: I almost wish that I could scan the hard copy of this entry from our wine journal. It looks completely bananas.)